I once knew this man who got jealous of his work colleagues every time they were rewarded, recognised, given extra responsibility or promoted.
Oh who am I kidding… that man was me.
I don’t know why, but at the time jealousy burned me up all of the time.
The problem is jealousy is an nasty creature – even when you try to hide it from others, it negatively impacts those around you.
Now I know you are probably not as bad as I was… but if you look closely you will likely find a hint of jealousy inside you about someone at work.
Does someone always get the credit? Who is that blue-eyed boy or girl that can’t do any wrong? I mean, you work just as hard as they do… probably harder… why aren’t you seen like they are?
Jealousy is a horrid thing, it creeps up on us and it serves NOBODY… especially not you.
Here is how to rid it from your life:
It’s not jealousy, it’s fear
Fear has lots of different disguises and jealousy is one of its favourites. In this form it will either be one of two things:
Personal insecurity or unfair comparison.
Either way it boils down to a fear that you are not good enough. Comparing yourself to others can be useful to measure progress, but when it is used to decide if you are worthy, it is venom.
Once you understand and take accountability that jealousy is really your fear, then you can identify what you are fearful of. Don’t avoid it… fear feeds off that.
Instead identify it and start making small steps to shrink it. The bottom line is that fear will always play a part in your life – how you respond is what defines you – will you let fear cause you pain or will you take responsibility and ensure you take your fears head on?
You deserve some credit… From yourself!
Do you give yourself credit for how amazing you are?
Take a moment to look back through your life… all the challenges, disappointments, successes and compliments… you have got through the tough times and you have created some good times.
That deserves some credit – That deserves some appreciation. Give yourself the recognition you deserve.
You are stronger than you realise.
When you give yourself permission to look back on your life and acknowledge how much you have been through and how special you truly are, then you will begin to worry less about others perceived achievements because you know you have achieved amazing things too.
Give genuine best wishes to all
Life is not about being better than anyone else… Life about being the best version of you.
Focus on development, focus on growth, focus on learning from others. When you do this you realise that you can learn from everyone and everything – and while you are learning you are getting better, which in turn gets you one step closer to being the best version of you.
The best version of you isn’t in competition with others – the best version of you wants everyone to do well. If someone gets a promotion over you… the best you would wish that person well and want to learn from them – not feel angry, jealous and sour inside.
You might think that this isn’t possible, because some people just don’t deserve success… I ask you, who is jealousy serving?
Does it make you feel good?
Does it stop the target of your jealousy?
Jealousy is like drinking poison and then hoping your enemy will die… It just doesn’t work!
You know that being happy for others and focusing your energy on personal growth is the better way forward – choose it.
Putting it all together
Jealousy is an ugly, hurtful feeling… which only effects you.
Look under the skin of jealousy and you will find fear and vulnerability – Identify this, accept this and face this. You can beat fear this way.
Also give yourself some well-earned credit – you have been through a lot and you are still going strong!
Finally, switch your focus from “they don’t deserve” to a “I must improve” mentality…
The ONLY thing you have in your control is your emotions, thoughts and actions… use them to benefit you, not to harm you!
Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther-King – They are great people who have etched their names in history books for standing up for what they believed in and they helped change the world in the process.
We are told powerful stories about special individuals who changed the course of the world by standing against status quo – sometimes facing unsurmountable odds, yet ultimately winning though.
We are told everyone has this power. We are told we too can change the world if our resolve is strong enough… but can we?
I mean these stories sound compelling, yet in your life right now, can you make a stand? Let’s start small… can you go up against the boss at work and not damage your career?
Going a bit bigger… Can you legitimately challenge those in positions of authority, such as politicians, without being removed or arrested?
I think we can, but not in the way the stories would lead you to believe.
Standing up for what you believe in is not a single event, it’s a way of living – It would be impossible to make a huge stand for what you believe to be right in one moment, if your actions in the past didn’t back you up.
Standing up for what is right, is living what is right. It is in your everyday behaviours and actions.
1. Clearly understand what you believe in
2. Share this with everyone
3. Make sure everything you do is linked to this
So if you passionately believe in ‘being honest’ … then communicate this value simply and with clarity… then follow it up by making sure you always tell the truth!
It is a simple example, but hopefully it demonstrates the power of being able to stand up for what you believe in – because if this is how you live your life, then it is easy to challenge the status quo when needed, because everyone will expect it!
This of course has it’s challenges, but what it allows you to be is authentic, strong and value led.
If you don’t live your life by these rules, then you will end up living your life by someone else’s. That is the opposite of standing up for what is right.
Be the best version of you – stand up for you believe in… stand up for what is right.
Your success, your career, you life, is dependant on the quality of the relationships you create.
So what happens if a key person in your life is really difficult to build any sort of relationship with?
This video explores what you can do to have a positive impact and build high quality relationships, even with the most challenging people you know!
I have recently been badly let down…
The person in question was in a situation which was difficult for her, she was highly stressed and appeared to be making herself ill.
So I listened, I supported, I trusted, I guided. I even went above the call of duty and threw myself in the firing line for her.
My action worked – her stressful situation dissipated and, in the moments when I took the heat away, she turned on me – blaming me for it all and informing everyone that would listen, that she was faultless. She quickly distanced myself from her and then she attempted to muscle in on the good work I created for her company!
How would you respond if this was you?
The probability is you will have experienced a similar situation like this in your life. Where someone you trust, fails to reciprocate that trust and lets you down. When this happens it is understandable that your response would be emotional and negative.
The unfortunate truth is that responding this way rarely helps anyone. Especially you.
The reaction that will serve you best will help you move on and be able to trust again quickly and wholeheartedly. Here is how:
“Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.”
Holding resentment inside only hurts one person – you. The last person who needs to be hurt by you is you, so you have to rid yourself of resentment.
Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die. The poison will do nothing to your enemy, but will kill you!
Forgiveness can seem hard… Why should you forgive someone who has hurt you? The reason you should is because forgiveness isn’t just about the antagonist, it’s about allowing yourself to stop hurting… and you deserve that.
Be your best self
Sometimes when we feel we have been let down it is easy to close ourselves off to the world.
Who is this behaviour serving? Nobody, that’s who.
The past is the past. It cannot be changed, you can only learn from it. The one thing that is an absolute certainty in life is that if you want the future to be brighter, you have to bring your best self to the game.
Be bigger, be better and be bolder… be your best self and you will bring the best out of the present and the future.
Expect the best in others
Just because one person has let you down, it doesn’t mean the world is full of evil, untrustworthy people. 99.9% of people have the desire to be nice, kind and helpful individuals. Don’t close down your opportunities to connect deeply with others, just because one person has broken your trust.
If you expect the best from others, your behaviours will adapt accordingly and you will engage with the world in a positive fashion… and guess what? Engaging positively with those around you will, 99.9% of the time, result in positive outcomes!
Surround yourself with positive people
It is said that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. So who do you want to be and who do you want to be surrounded by?
This is a choice – seek out the people who have aspirations and goals like you. The people you admire. The people you can trust.
Don’t get sucked in by people who are self obsessed, negative or selfish… It will drain you. Instead look up at those people who soar… and choose to fly with them.
Putting it all together
The bottom line is that some people will hurt you – NEVER let that stop you being the wonderful and authentic person you are.
Be the best version of you!
“Everything would be okay if it wasn’t for her.”
“She is fine to my face, but then stabs me in the back.”
“She thinks she is better than me.”
This is what I was told repeatedly yesterday… I was facilitating a high performance coaching session with an emerging manager about her leadership – however, all she wanted to talk about was how one of her assistant managers didn’t respect her – as she said, “She doesn’t have my back, I can’t trust her.”
Respect is important to us all. As a leader. As a manager. As a human being. Respect is vital.
We all want it, the question is, are you willing to do what it takes to get it?
Respect is not given to you. Even when you are in a senior role at work, that doesn’t mean you automatically receive respect. People might work for you, but they don’t have to respect you.
Respect has to be earned. If you want more respect in your life and are prepared to put in the hard work, then here are six reasons why there could be a lack of respect in your life and what to do about it.
1.You Don’t Respect Yourself
Yesterday, the manager I coached lacked self belief. The way she talked about her situation and her job, was like she didn’t quite feel like she deserved it. She didn’t think she was good enough or capable.
In simple terms, she didn’t respect herself as a manager and her Assistant Manager knew it. Speaking to her, all she really needed was to understand that she had been given the job because her boss believed she was good enough. That simple realisation was all she needed.
If you lack respect for yourself, here is my advice:
To purposefully review all the good you have done, you are an amazing person who has been through a lot. That deserves respect.
2.You Talk Behind Their Backs
Here is some very simple advice – Talking negatively about your team to other people in your team NEVER ends well. They always find out and you lose the respect of almost everyone in that team. If you have a problem with someone’s behaviour, feedback to them, not their colleagues!
3.You Don’t Treat Others The Way You Want To Be Treated
How you treat others will directly link to how others treat you in return. This means you should take care and attention when you decide how you want to be treated. Then give those behaviours to those around you, allow them to feel the way you want to.
For example, the manager I spoke to yesterday, liked to be the ‘mother’ figure within her team. Taking on all of the motherly duties and treating her team like her children. So guess what happened? Her team were treated like children, so they acted like children.
No surprises, but that is not what you want as a manager. What she has now done is identified that she would like her team to be respectful and honest. She now has to answer the question: What are the behaviours someone would have to show for you to treat them as respectful and honest?
4.You Act First, Then Think
Something happens in a situation that you perceive as a lack of respect and then fire back in an emotional manner. Then later will think ‘Why did I say that?’
This is an emotional reaction that it is highly unlikely you will get the response or outcome you want. This is because the response from those around you is likely to be an emotional one too.
If you want to ensure that you get respect, thinking about how you feedback is critical. This takes planning, not much, but it will take a moment or two for your to gather your thoughts and remove the emotion.
If someone is disrespectful to you, think about how you will respond. It doesn’t need to be a fight and it doesn’t need to be emotional. What needs to happen is that behaviour is modified going forward.
What specific behaviour and situation are you discussing? What was the effect of this behaviour? What would you like to see in the future?
5.You Hold Back Your Concerns, Until You Explode
This is the opposite of acting first, thinking later! These are the times you will effectively ‘bottle up’ all your feedback and emotions, as the lack of respect builds and builds. Until, one day, all the emotion and feedback comes flooding out… probably for something and nothing!
If you let this happen, it is not the perpetrators fault, it’s yours. Allowing poor behaviour or emotions to build and then exploding into an emotional feedback volcano, guarantees a failure to get respect.
The advice is the same as before – when witnessing disrespectful behaviour, take a moment to remove the emotion and approach the situation factually. Then take the appropriate action as soon as you can.
6.Your Deeds Don’t Match Your Actions
One of the quickest ways to lose respect of the people around you is to say you will do something or say that you stand for something and then don’t. The best approach is to be mindful. To think about what you say and how you say it. The more people you lead, the more mindful you have to be.
Be clear and check understanding. If you do what you say you will do, respect will follow.
Putting it all together
We all want and need respect, especially in a management or leadership role. If you want to change the behaviour of the people around you, then you must change your behaviour first.
Remember, respect is earned, so transform your behaviour and you will transform the respect you receive.